This time a year always has me walking around with a heavy heart. I find myself wondering how different life would be today if you were still here. I find myself imagining how different our lives would be without this pain filled memory of losing you. I go back and forth in my mind picturing our lives. Because I know that life with you in it was a happier, and more satisfying one.
The thing about life is that we learn from tragedies. We gain insight into the meaning of life with the passing of our loved ones. I find myself thinking about all that we’ve learned and gained at the expense of losing you.
We learned that life is not fair. It doesn't even try to be fair.
We learned that tragedy, and pain bring people closer together, and also break people apart.
We learned that losing someone as amazing as you totally turns our outlook on life upside down.
We learned that life is short, and that we should take it by the throat.
We gained a guardian angel.
We gained the peace of mind that you are sitting atop the world waiting for us to come home.
The point I’m making is, it’s not enough Kevin.
What we’ve learned, and what we’ve gained isn’t enough to counter the sense of emptiness we feel without you here.
As this rush of emotion takes over my mind, I think of this quote:
"To live in the hearts of those we love is never to die." -Thomas Campbell
When I first saw this quote, I immediately thought of you. Because it rings true in every single aspect.
Although you are not physically with us Kevin, and believe me when I say I am not the only one who wishes that you still were, your spirit, and your memory, and the lessons you taught us all keep you alive in our minds and in our hearts.
Every day we think of you more than once. I can not speak for everyone, but I think of you often throughout my day. Sometimes it’s just a little joke, or inside saying we had, and I chuckle to myself and continue my day.
Sometimes I see a Silverado, and immediately you come to my mind.
Sometimes it’s a song I hear, and memories, and emotions come rushing in.
Other times you just pop into my head as if to remind me that you’re up there watching.
A thousand words won't bring you back, I know because I've tried; neither will a thousand tears, I know because I've cried.
But I find myself crying less, not because the pain isn’t fresh inside my heart. Not because I don't miss you more than I could ever express in words. Not because I don’t wish you were here with us every single day.
I don't cry as much, because I know you’d hate it. I know it would bother you to know that I cry because of you.
That is one thing we talked about at your house during your rosary and funeral. When we stayed there from morning and through the night. We talked about how mad you’d be knowing we cried because of you.
You brought happiness wherever you went Kevin. You could brighten a room in a second.
Sometimes nothing I say to myself, stops the tears from forming, and running down my face.
But I have come to an understanding with myself. I don’t want to get punched in the face when I get up to heaven, because I cried so much. I know you’ll be waiting for me, and I want to make you proud. I want you to hug me, and tell me I lived a great life, and I did things right. Maybe not crying is just a tiny thing, in the big picture of life, but for me, it’s a huge detail. It’s one thing I can do for you, that I know you’ll appreciate.
I’m going to end this blog with another quote and an explanation, because this quote helps me keep my tears at bay.
"Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day.
Unseen, unheard, but always near; still loved, still missed and very dear." -Unknown
You live in us forever Kevin. 50 years from now, we will all still remember April 7th as Kevin James Birthday, and July 17th as the tragic day we lost you. That will never change, we will never forget!
This little message, this little bit of reassurance that I find in this quote, allows me to be strong knowing you’re in my heart Kev.
Knowing that for as long as there is oxygen in my lungs, and my heart is beating you have a permanent resting place within me. Not just within me, within every single person you’ve touched. Family, Friends, and even just Admirers. You left your mark on this world primo, and not many people can truly say the mark they left was a great one.
You are truly one of the greatest people I had the pleasure of knowing. Your 22 years of life, left a lasting impression on the Earth.
The great die young primo, but you will live forever in our memories, and in our hearts.
I love you primo!
Please continue to watch over us all. Not just the good, but the bad. Not just the right, but the wrong. You had the propensity to not judge people based on their mistakes. I try everyday to be a little bit like you in that aspect.
I know that you are the kind of soul, to not hold grudges, and not hate anyone.
That’s what made you so special Kevin. I hope you enjoyed your birthday up there. I’m sure you spent some time with Tio Trajano, my avo velinha, Tia Luzia, your grandparents Tio Mario, and Tia Alzira. And I’m sure you went out and partied a little bit afterwards with Jeff.
I’m sure you guys had a blast.
I miss you and love you primo. Until we meet again, keep shining your light on us.