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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Unanswerable Questions

Negativity is a hell of a phenomenon. When we allow this source of purely satanic richness (dramatic much) into our lives, we are doomed to over thinking, and feeling the harsh effects that it brings.

I like to think of myself as a pretty confident and positive person. I don't let stupid shit get me down, I am the kind of person to push forward and get over things. Hurdles (metaphorically of course, I couldn't jump over a hurdle if my life depended on it) are easily overcome in the life that I live.

But, every now and again, this shitty, out of the norm feeling of sadness and regret wash over my body and mind, and I can not seem to shake it.

I woke up today, feeling different… Well let me not get ahead of myself.

2012, has been a very bittersweet year for me. I have never felt healthier, more energetic, more accomplished in my whole 27 years of life. I feel like I have truly been on the right path as of late.

I got my gastric bypass surgery and since then, on a personal level, only good things have come my way.

Bitter, because while I feel the most amazing I’ve felt in years, some members of my family are having issues with their health. But I digress.

I have been feeling amazing, great friends, great family, meeting new people, started a great job that I truly feel proud and completely one thousand percent happy with.

I fell asleep last night, and I was happy.

I woke up this morning, and I feel like my life has flipped 180 degrees.

Have you ever felt sad for no apparent reason?
Ever felt like your living a mistake?
Like every “right” decision you’ve made in your life is wrong?
Like suddenly, you’re filled with a weight and burden of a thousand regrets?

No? Well congratulations, I envy you!

For those of us who have felt this: Where the hell does it come from?
Can anyone tell me? Does anyone know?

Ten minutes ago, I was contemplating exactly where and why this feeling rears its ugly fucking head every once in a while.

While I don't have an answer, I do have an inkling, or at the very least a hypothesis as to where and why.
Perhaps this is just a gut check. Perhaps we must feel this negative shitty, over-bearing, mind numbing, sickening feeling so that we could enjoy the happy ones.

Perhaps it comes just when our happiness is peaking, and therefore instead of a steady and slow agonizing decline, we just drop back down to Earth, and start our trek up hill again.

Perhaps, this is God’s little dry sarcastic humor. Perhaps he enjoys seeing us contemplate such thoughts, and come up with stupid idiotic answers to questions we’ll never truly know the right answers to.

And you know what, perhaps it is better that we don't know. Perhaps it’s better that we only get the chance to know what sadness feels like, so that we could thrive for happiness. Maybe, just maybe feeling this sadness, is our golden ticket to happiness. We might not get the happy-ever after the fat kid from Willy Wonk got, but we will possibly get our own version of the happy-ever-after.

Awww, doesn't that sound magical? Doesn't that just lift you all up into heights only felt by sheer pure moments of absolute bliss?

No? Yeah well, that kind of happiness is over-rated, and entirely too hard to duplicate. So be happy, with just being happy. And be happy, that you know the difference between happy and sad. Some people only experience sadness in their lives, so they don’t even know what they’re missing out on.


Why must we feel this unsettling sadness, this unexplained enigma? This shitty Mcshitterson feeling that consumes our mind.

***On a quick side note, shitty Mcshitterson, possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever said, or written in my whole life, it’s only staying in so my friends could make fun.***

Why can’t we just be happy? Why must we be burdened with the sadness bug every once in a while?

I have absolutely no answer for this. I have no clue why we can’t just be annoyingly happy all the fucking time. Especially when things are going well for us.

In retrospect, I have nothing to complain about.

I’m alive. I’m not starving (obviously), I’m surrounded by great family, and great friends.

Life thus far has been super kind to me.

So why do I feel this way?

I hate questions that are unanswerable.

So, if you’ve read this gigantic pile of sentences that have led to absolutely no conclusion, or answer. I’m sorry for wasting your time, but if you feel like you have an answer, or at the very least a hypothesis, share it with me. I’d love to hear different opinions.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I'll be ME and you be YOU!

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers..... Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life..... But why would I want to do a thing like that?
-Ewan McGregor in the movie Trainspotting

When I read this quote, it just spoke to me. In this life, we really do have the power to CHOOSE, but how many of us truly use it?

Yeah we choose whether or not to go to sleep early, or wake up early. We choose what we have for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Sure!

But the choosing I am talking about is the choices that leave their mark on our lives.

So in the clip above Ewan McGregor chooses heroin over anything else, and yes that is a fucked up choice to say the least, but the message, in my opinion, is do what you want. Do what makes you happy.

We are only here for a blink of an eye, and in that blink of an eye, we worry far too much about insignificant things.

We worry about money.
We worry about who likes us and who doesn't.
We worry about what so-and-so thinks of us.
We worry about being rich.
We worry about being good people.
We worry about death.
We worry about our children.
We worry about our pets.
you get the point...WE FUCKING WORRY!

But for what? It is my belief that rough times, work themselves out in the end. With or Without our worrying.

Bad shit happens, so that we could appreciate the good.

Things fall apart, so that better things can fall together.

I have always tried to just be me. Nothing more and nothing less. I don't pretend to be something or someone I'm not, because any person who falls for that kind of bullshit doesn't belong in my life anyways.

Luckily, I have great friends and great family surrounding me. They love me for who I am. I don't have to try extra hard to impress them.

To those of you, who aren't quite as fortunate as I am, just be yourselves, and those people who matter, the ones who truly love you and accept you for who you are will come out of the wood work. I promise you!

And the ones who never belonged there in the first place, will disappear leaving behind no trace of ever existing in your world. That disappearance, is a wonderful thing.

It is a remarkable feeling to look around you, and know that every single person in your life belongs there. Every single person gives more than two shits about how your feeling, and how your living. Because they know that you would, too, go to the end of the Earth to help them when trouble arises.

So to end this rather Emo post, I want to thank my whole family, and each and everyone of my friends for always being there, for caring, for loving me unconditionally, and for allowing me to always just be me!

To those still on the fence, trying super hard to fit in. Just One Time be Courageous Enough to just BE YOU!

You will be Liberated, You will feel better than you have your whole life.

Or don't, the CHOICE really is yours.