Follow by Email

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Dont just exist.. Live!

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

I stumbled upon this quote, and man did it resonate with me. Simple message carries the weight of a thousand elephants. In this life we often find ourselves in search of who we are. We hear phrase after phrase all echoing that we must travel, or we must take death-defying risks in order to find ourselves. We must find ourselves in order to be happy. We spend much of our time preaching about being unique, and our own person. We categorize ourselves into groups of leaders and followers, and we emulate the characteristics we believe make us good people. In our search to find who we are, we often discover we are not who we thought we were. We realize that were different, that we don't quite fit in a box, not because were fat, but because we aren’t meant to fit comfortably, and perfectly into boxes. When we fail to find ourselves, we become sad and desperate because we are failing. “I’m 21, what the fuck am I doing with my life?” or “I’m 47, what have I done with my life?” or even “I just graduated from high school, and I don't know what I want to be, what’s wrong with me?” Life isn’t about existing; it isn’t about achieving goals, or accumulating money. Life isn’t meant to be perfectly planned out.


This quote sums something up that I have thought about for a very long time. I don't want to find myself. I don't want to look under every rug, and around every corner trying to find who I am. I want to create the person I am. I want to be unique I want people to who know me, to truly see that I am a good person, and not for the typical reasons. When I die, I want to leave behind a memory of someone who lived their life their way. I want people to remember all the good I did during my time here, and to learn through my actions that there are no failures in life.

Let that sink in for a second…

Even if you have spent your life in prison, or you have spent your life homeless on the street, that does not mean you are a failure. You chose to create yourself in that light. You are who you want to be, and yeah there are consequences for every decision we make. Not just from our negative decisions but from our positive ones too. We have become so focused as a species on success and failure, right and wrong, that we have forgotten that we were meant to live in the gray area.

So as you begin to ponder New Year’s Resolutions, and how your life isn’t where “it should be.” Remember that you must create yourself, be the change you want to see in the world. Don't live your life to someone else’s standards, live it to your own. Like Jimi Hendrix said, “I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to.”

The results of this will be a world truly unique with all different shades of gray, black and white. Through this uniqueness, great things will be experienced.

Love, Laughter, and most importantly, we will cease to merely exist, and truly, wonderfully live.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Rest In Paradise Primo!

For the past 8 years July is a very somber month for me. I walk around dragging my feet, and questioning why you’re not here with us. Questioning how different life is now, than it was when you were here. It’s hard to believe that 8 years have come and gone. The empty void in our hearts is still fresh, the hurt, the sadness still as strong as ever. Everyday I look up to the sky, and smile knowing you’re watching over us.

Last night before I went to sleep, I prayed and spoke to you, as I do every night. In that very one-sided conversation, I asked you to give me a sign that you’re happy up there, that everything is okay with you. I said, any little thing will do Kev, I want to know that you’re happy.

As I closed my eyes and drifted to sleep, I began to dream. With all the memories of you in my brain, I dreamt that you were back. In this dream, God had given you 24 hours to come back and do whatever you wanted. The goose bumps are running wild through my body as I write this because the dream felt so real. I opened my front door, and there you were. Tears immediately ran down my face and I hugged you tightly, and didn't want to let go. We spoke, I drove you home to see your parents and Kris and Nic. We drove to Makadoo’s house, and you congratulated them on their pregnancy. The dream was so uplifting, because you looked more than happy, you looked like everything in your afterlife was amazing. You told me that there are no tears, no frowns, no anger, no frustration, no negativity in heaven. You told me that every day, is complete bliss.

I woke this morning, and my pillow was soaked with the real tears that left my eyes as I dreamt. And as I stared up at the ceiling, smiling to myself for the unbelievable sign you sent me, I cried some more. These tears were different, they weren’t sad, they weren’t trying to fill the empty void. They were happy tears. These tears flowed like rivers down my face, because I saw you, I spoke to you, and you’re more than okay.

You said two things to me that stuck, and I will never forget.

“Primo, you need to be happy, you need to stop worrying. Life is short, and you only get one.”


“The beer in heaven is always cold, and your cup is always full. You take a sip and the cup never empty’s. I cant wait till all you guys are up here were gonna rage.”

The first quote was spoken in the beginning of the dream after I finally stopped hugging you and let you into my house.  Your blue eyes looking straight into mine you demanded I be happy, and take advantage of the life I have been given. I intend to take your advice primo.
The second quote was spoken in makadoo’s garage. The people present were, Mike, Jeca, Roger, Paul, Cesar, Eric, Little Kevin, Tiago, John Star, Jason, J.P, Brian Flores, Mike Sali, Steve Lourenco, Danny Furtado, and Mike Moules. We all sat there cherishing this time with you, and you looked at us all, that familiar goofy smile on your face, and you told us about the endless amount of beer that we could have in heaven. Looking around that group of people, it made me realize how many people we all have in our lives that truly care, and would truly be there for us in a second. I feel blessed to know that those people listed and many more are big parts of my life.

Just before you left the garage, you hugged us all, told us to live our lives. You hugged Jeca, and kissed her baby bump, and then looked at me and makadoo and told us to make sure little makadoo knows who uncle Kevin is. I promise to tell him or her all about you.

8 years without you, but seeing your face in that dream, and talking to you was amazing. I know it’s just a dream, and I know that it wasn't real. But to me, it was the sign I asked you for. It makes me so happy to know you’re doing well up there.

Rest in Paradise Kevin, and come visit me in my dreams more often. I love you!